A Flat: Spike character inspection
by Creation Theory
Summary: A quick little look at how i figure spike must be feeling about now. In the form of a songfic using A Flat by Staind


I guess these are called songfics. Uh, written to the chorus of A Flat off of Stand's Dysfunction CD. And as usual, I own absolutely nothing.  
  
~All the demons in my head won't leave me~  
  
It doesn't matter how many years ago I did it. Every person I've ever hurt, every person I spent hours slowly killing is right up here in my head. It's driving me mad. It's as though suddenly every bit of self- control and dignity I possess is being driven away in a torrent of blinding guilt. This is driving me insane.  
  
~I know, I can hear them~  
  
They scream to me every night, every morning. They're always with me now. Some of them rage at me, threatening to do horrendous things, and when I do sleep they give me nightmares. Sometimes they cry, they beg me for mercy as if I'm still hurting them. And that always brings me back to what I actually did to them, and I can't bear it. I know every one of them intimately, and now I am finally feeling remorse for what I did.  
  
~All these sacrifices made for nothing~  
  
By now everyone knows the reason I did it. They all know that I did this to myself for her. Damn her for this. If I didn't bloody well love her I wouldn't have put myself through this. There's nothing else in this world that could ever give me a reason to rip myself apart this way. I did this for her, and nothing can ever come of it.  
  
~No show, can't believe it~  
  
All of this is so bloody like the Slayer. If she ever suses out exactly what she wants from life, chance are it might sodding well cause another apocalypse. That is if we survive this one. It's bloody fantastic, as soon as I come back, with a soul this time, hoping to please her; she falls for some stupid git at her school. I can't believe this.  
  
~Wanna show you that I'm good for something~  
  
You all know me, the bad ass vampire. William the Bloody, the terror or Europe; the bloke who killed two Slayers. And now here I am, begging like some dog for a scrap from her. Hard to believe isn't it? I finally get this chip out and what do I do? I sit in a dark little room and write about my feelings. Try and change, prove that I'm not worthless, that I can be a better man. Bloody hell she has a sack over my eyes.  
  
~I can't, you won't let me~  
  
She won't hardly even look at me. I touch her and she flinches. She doesn't want to talk to me, all she wants from me is some way to feel better about herself. 'Oh look, I'm taking care of one of my enemies, giving him a second chance.' Truth is, she wants nothing to do with me, I still make her sick, even with this blasted soul. The only the thing the bitch wants from me is a pair of fists, wants me to fight. She wants the old Spike, just without the hard feelings. She only thinks of herself, like before when all she used me for was a few quick shags. But I love her, and I'd do anything for her. Damn!  
  
~Are you ready cuz your words can't heal me~  
  
No matter how selfish she is, she's the only one who'll talk to me, and nothing she says can make any of this any better. She doesn't love me, nothing she says could fix that, could make us happy being 'just friends'. She can't make these screams go away, every time she walks away from me they just get louder, mocking me. All the words we share, they don't mean anything anymore. Maybe they never did.  
  
~Because you can't accept me~  
  
The heart of it is that she's the Slayer and I'm a vampire. The soul doesn't matter at all. She can never accept me for anything other than unholy, substandard. It was the same with that nancy-boy Angel, though she'll never admit it. No matter how many things that poof said to her, no matter how much he loved her, she always saw herself as better than him. And that's how she sees everyone, inferior. The Slayer things of herself as a goddess and the rest of us are just there for her amusement. And even knowing all of that, I can't stop loving her. 


End file.
